Row, Row, Row...

Have you ever really listened to the song Row, Row, Row your Boat?  Me neither until today while listening to a Wayne Dyer speech about spiritual laws. 


I'm a fighter, I try to control a lot and feel like many things I have to organize and stay on top of because so many people depend on me (not true, but this is what I tell myself so I have reason to battle on another day, fight the good fight). 


But when I can't win, which is often,  I get stressed, I pull away, I over analyze and over tell people what they should do, I seem like I am not listening because I am just working like crazy to make things my vision of perfect.  


Anyway..think about the words to this song (say it rather than sing it):


Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.


I don't know about you, but I tend to row quite a lot up stream in other peoples boats andas well as my own. Up stream in rapids if you count today.  


I am working on staying in my own boat, on my stream.  It just sounds easier to me then jumping in all ya all's boat and getting in your business and telling you where to row. :-)


The last line is so beautiful, simple, and true..Life is but a dream. 

A Gift That WIll Keep Giving

I got a huge present in the mail today.  It was wrapped in great wrapping paper and a big bow.  I knew exactly what it was...a gift I am giving myself.  It was all of the materials I need for Weight Loss Life Coaching Certification that I am going to be going through.  I have signed up for an amazing program that will change me forever, I am sure of it.

I have played around with the idea for years, and after a great talk with a friend the other day I made the move to do it.  I didn't think I could/should because I still have so far to go.  She said that's exactly why I should do it, that people will know that I was able to accomplish what I am looking to help them with.

So I did it.  I signed up and am ready to go.  I am not sure where this road will take me, but I feel like I am on the right path.

XOXO.....Jenny

It's about time...

Today I had a huge accomplishment.  I finally figured out how to make my wireless internet work since moving in early April.  I finally just pressed the reset button and BAM...it worked.  That button would have saved me countless calls to Comcast if I had known about it sooner.  Oh well, I am much more tech savvy now I guess.

Anyway, I am back and need to start up this blog again.

Some exciting things are going on for me and I'll be happy to share them with you here.

Until then, have a great Sunday!

Jenny

Doplar Radar

As I was driving home last week from Lathrop to Rancho Cordova I drove through a huge storm.

When I left Lathrop, which is just south of Stockton, the sun was shining and I thought to myself that I was surprised that it hadn't rained yet.  I talked to my dad as I left and he said that if I was planning on taking highway 99 that I would be going through a bad rain storm, that it was red on doplar radar which he hadn't seen for a long time.  Being a daughter, I thought, "Oh dad, stop being so dramatic!" and I said something like, "I'm SURE I'll be fine, I drive everywhere."  As usual, he was right.

As I entered Galt rain was pouring so hard that I couldn't see through the windshield and I had a little moment of panic and mentally had to be strong so I could make it home safely.  Just when I thought it was clearing up, I would come upon a huge big rig that would make it so I could barley see where I was.

When I got home the sun was shining. I could see the dark cloud of rain that I had just driven through.  Dark, menacing, hovering ever so close.  But I was in the sun again, thankfully.

So, I started thinking about the doplar radar.  The thing we see on the news to tell us a storm is coming, or here, and the severity of it.  I began to think about how that applies to life.

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people?  I do, because I know a lot of good people who go through some tough life changes.  Some handle it well, and some not so much.  I began to realize that life's challenges are like storms that come through our lives.  Sometimes they are just clouds that pass over and wouldn't even show up on the doplar radar.

But some, some are the red storms that pass over and pound us down to the ground, to the point that all you can do is stay inside and hunker down in bed (or on the side on the road), waiting for it to pass by.

Sometimes we wonder if it will ever end, because sometimes it feels like one continuous storm that just keeps coming and coming.  It would be nice if we had doplar radar for humans. "Jenny, an orange storm is heading your way...prepare!!" or "Today will be sprinkled with little showers, but it will be an overall nice day."

So, I started to think, well, we can't control life's storms because we are all going to have them.  What I thought was, I get to choose where I live so I can handle them better, and hopefully have less of them.

Some places on earth or going to have more storms than others and I get to choose where I live mentally!!  Do I want to live in a mental Hawaii or Alaska?  A warm location that has occasional storms, but is overall paradise.  Or Alaska where most days are pretty brutal, cold, and a bear might be waiting for me.

I choose Hawaii! I can choose the way I feel every day and how I surround myself with great people and self care.  I want to live in a warm location with people saying Mahalo to me all day long.

This much is true, the storms will pass, we can pick up the pieces and move forward.  Life is waiting and the sun is shining somewhere.

Lost

I love my Coldplay.

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting

Doesn't mean I'm hurt

There is Something About Mary

One of the biggest gifts I have been given in recent months is getting to meet a wonderful woman named Mary.  During one quite brutal workout of dragging a sled through a parking lot, as the crowd was cheering me and others on to the finish line, a woman came out of the crowd and walked by my side and told me, "Wow, you are so strong! Good job!"

I was too out of breath to really thank her for the encouragement, but it really stood out to me.  I thought there is something very special about her.

I started to notice that she was so caring and loving to all of us CrossFitters in our wonderful 6am class.  She welcomes people with hugs, she cheers us along in the hard workouts, and she is hilarious!!

One day we were chatting and she told me that she was terrified every day to see what they workout was.   I told her I felt the same way!  I think at that moment we connected.

I hope everyone has a Mary in their life.  She is honest, caring, authentic, and has been a pillar of support for me over the past few months.  We both agree we showed up in each others life at the perfect time and are taking full advantage of how we can help each other grow.

I just want to give Mary a shout out.  There is Something Special about Mary.  There is nothing in her hair, it's all in her heart...it's lot's love!!

My Super-Ego Can Be a Super A-Hole

I have been in a funk, a super funk, a super-ego funk.


What, you ask, is a super-ego?


Based on the great Wikipedia:


The super-ego aims for perfection. It comprises that organised part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious that criticises and prohibits his or her drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions. "The Super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt.


If you haven't read the first part of my blog, let me catch you up.  I want to live a beautifully enlightened life, and choose to do so, even though my fears paralyze me at times. I am have been teetering on paralyzed for the past two weeks.


I don't know why or how it happens, but it sneaks up on me sometimes, my super critical perfectionist self. My critical voice that only sees good vs. bad, black vs. white, success or failure.  There is no middle ground if the superego has her way.  I can look in the mirror on one trip to the bathroom and think I am the hottest thing ever and come by an hour later and wonder how I have any friends.  It's been a rough few weeks.


Last week it came to a head when I was on the trail with my friend Mary and I just stared crying, overwhelmed with emotion.  I felt such a lack of connection to myself that I was getting nervous that all the work I had done over the past few months was slipping away just as I sharing my story.  I was scared that everything was about to fall apart because I wasn't being perfect in my eating, my parenting, my work, my working out.  


I forgot the most important thing, I don't need to do it perfectly.  I need to do things with love, and that needs to start with myself.


I hit a boiling point on the misty trail.  Once we were done talking I got in my car and cried a bit more. Mary sent me a text that said, "Sometimes soup has to boil to be good." I laughed and thought that was the perfect quote that I needed.  


I'm resilient. My soup has boiled before and it always comes out way better than it was before, and that's the case here too.  I've been through some major s$%! in my life and I have survived and thrived. I know if I trusted and was kind to myself I would pull out of my funk.  I knew again that I wasn't going to give up, even if I wasn't doing things perfectly.  I am working on being as kind to myself as I am to others.  I am working on taking care of me without fear that everything else will fall apart.


And, I know another funk awaits me one of these days when something lights up my Super-ego and I'll have to go through this process again, but I think I am gaining some tools on how to turn it around sooner.  This weekend I mediated and went to yoga to help calm my mind and it helped greatly.  Life is good, super-ego is in check for now.