400 meters

I'm a pretty brave person.  Here are the facts:

• I moved out of my moms house at 18.
• I drove a uhaul all by myself to San Diego and checked myself into college dorms.
• I backpacked Europe when I was 21 alone.
• I joined the Peace Corps and spent two years in Romania.
• I fell in love with Altug after a night out drinking on St. Patty's day in Istanbul, met his family that week, let my friends return to Romania so I could stay behind with him.  
• I've been to Serbia and Croatia.
• I married Altug after 3 months of knowing him.
• I am responsible for leading 80 plus people in my job and making big decisions daily.

I am currently terrified of the following:

• Running
• Not eating bread 
• Cartwheels, handstands, and front rolls
• Running
• Box jumps
• Running

Up until yesterday I avoided running at all costs.  My first warm-up at Crossfit I almost panicked when I saw the words "Run 400 meters."  I did my best, but I couldn't even get to the 50m mark without feeling like I was going to pass out.  I came back in and Blair, the owner, told me, "You know,  just run to 200m so you don't overdo it."  Overdo it?  Overdoing it at this point was walking up the slight incline when I would walk into a movie theater.  This was different.  

I learned that Blair updated the next days workouts nightly so I could scope out what I was in for.  If there was running, I was having a REST DAY!!  Then, sadly...I broke my toe.  I emailed Blair immediately (even before I went to the dr),  "Blair,  I think I have a broken toe.  Too bad I won't be able to run for 6 weeks."  In my mind I was like, YES, no running for 6 weeks!!  Woo Hoo!!

Well, six weeks have passed.  Time to face the facts, it's time to learn how to run.  Up until Monday, the farthest I had run was the 400m mark on our trail.  It's at the top of a hill and in my mind past that marker was no mans land.  The land of no return. The land of heavy breathing and embarrassing failure (this is all in my head, but I was SURE it was true).  I would need to conquer this one in the comfort of my own zone,  just to make sure I could do it.

Here is what I did: At around the 4 week broken toe mark I thought it was time to face this fear.  I drove my car around my block and calculated what a mile was.  I parked the car and without hesitation I started running! Even better, I finished it and was amazed at how my body actually went father than I thought it would. I was proud, crazy proud.  If you could hear the thoughts in my head it would sound like his:

"OMG Jenny.  You ran, well ran/walked, but hell..you moved one foot in front of the other.  I didn't pass out or keel over on a neighbors yard asking for someone to call 911.  Maybe it's a fluke.  Maybe I measured the mile wrong.  OMG, I just ran a mile!"  It can be pretty back and forth at times me and myself.  Confident Jenny and scared Jenny don't always agree.  I'll have to say my confident side is winning the arguments lately.

Last week, I was feeling good on a Monday night till the Tuesday workout was updated online.  "Run the hill, 1.8 miles." Damn, why is Blair doing this to ME!!!!???  Doesn't he know that there are mountain lions on trails in Folsom?  Hmmnn, I know what to do...REST DAY!! Well, even though I avoided it,  I shared my thoughts with my friend Mary and she said, let's do this together!  We were off on Monday, so after the workout we were doing the run together.

Yesterdays WOD (Workout of the day) was great, but the run was looming in my head. I have to admit I thought about how I could get out of this commitment.  But I just didn't want to,  I made a commitment to Mary and to myself and we were going to do it.  And we did!  We even had another friend join us and it was a beautiful experience.  We were very proud of ourselves and I was thankful for their support. And there we no mountain lions, only a regal hawk and beautiful deer. 

And then, I show up to the gym this morning and the WOD included running 1 mile.  WTF!  I wasn't ready for this?  I didn't prepare for this!  How could I leave??? Um, no Jenny.  You are ready for this.  You have never been more ready.  Time to do this and cross into no mans land after the 400m mark.

I have a surprise for you readers and I am going to kill the suspense.  I survived the run.  It was actually not that hard.  There is some beautiful scenery after that 400m mark and I had people cheering me all the way as they passed me and passed me again.  It was okay, there will come a day when I'll get to their pace.  Today I was on my pace and loving every minute. 

Moral of the story: 

What ever your 400m mark represents is really not as scary as you think.  It's probably way better than you could have ever imagined.  The gift of crossing it and seeing the view from the top is a way better feeling that avoiding it, even if it's not easy.  The 400m is still not my favorite thing in the world, but I won't fear it anymore.  I won't dream about it and make it change my workout plan for the week.  Today was another step to reclaiming me from the grips of my running monsters.